This was written a while ago, but still rings true today. I am slowly allowing some of my writing I held back from releasing into the world. I hope it finds the people it needs to connect to. I am here for you, too. Sing by Travis.

Baby, you’ve been going so crazy
Lately nothing seems to be going right
Solo, why do you have to get so low
You’re so…
You’ve been waiting in the sun too long

I really was feeling like I had lost my mind recently. Things have been completely overwhelming since my grandmother passed away back in April. With our childhood home going out onto the market, it has been difficult to realize that the roots I once had back in Buffalo are coming out of the ground, so to speak. Next time I go visit family and friends, I won’t be sleeping in the familiar setting that I’ve known for almost 30 years. No more thinking about the pebbles that were tossed at my French windows late at night so I could sneak out & hang out in the back yard with friends (who should have been home as well). No more hearing the top of the dutch door to my bedroom hit against the bottom when my cat used to come my room to curl up with me in the middle of the night. No more ghost stories and sleepovers in the cozy library. No more “Barbie Land” in the attic on hot summer days. It isn’t the first home I was attached to growing up, but it is the home where I spent the majority of my life. There are so many corners of that house and yard that bring back floods of memories (some good and some bad).

Colder, crying over your shoulder
Hold her, tell her everything’s gonna be fine
Surely, you’ve been going too early
Hurry ‘cos no-one’s gonna be stopped

Growing up, I didn’t know a lot of comfort. I always just wanted that movie ending where someone could assure me that things would work out. I had to look out for myself most of the time and I didn’t always do a very good job of that (I’m much better at taking care of others). And, unfortunately, when I get sad and into a state of depression, I retreat. I know it isn’t healthy, but I get so anxious sometimes even being around people that if one person brushes against me, I can feel a full-blown panic attack set in and I have to leave a room. It also started to feel like there was one bad thing happening after another. I felt like there was a momentum of drama just unfolding at every turn. My grandmother was not always an easy woman to understand growing up. And without putting everything on the table, our relationship was NOT an easy one. I was lucky that in the few months leading up to her death, we had worked out and talked about a lot of our issues. Of course, we weren’t thinking that it was because she was going to pass away soon, but rather that she knew she couldn’t keep the house up much longer and we agreed that if she wanted to, she would come live with me. Many people in my family didn’t find that to be a good idea, but somehow in the back of my mind, I think I always knew it wasn’t going to really happen.

Baby, there’s something going on today
But I say nothing, nothing, nothing
Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing(fades out)

I thought that by not expressing myself and just holding it all in, it would go away. But it didn’t. It grew darker and harder to hold in. There were nights when I would just lie in bed and cry uncontrollably. My friends were missing me, my family needed me, and I was just empty. I didn’t think I could give anything to anyone, let alone give myself any credit for grieving. Then, this song came on the radio and reminded me. Without sharing what I have experienced in life, no one will be able to benefit from all that I’ve learned. Without opening up to feelings and friends, you may be avoiding all the bad, but you are also missing out on all the good out there.

But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing
For the love you bring won’t mean a thing
Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing

One thing everyone has always told me is that I am a kind person. I like being able to be there for my friends and make the world a little better than when I came into it. I think I’m continuing to do that now, but I had to remember to let my voice be heard.